There are No Clowns in this Edition Edition

You don’t have to drill down particularly far to realize fear is a blank canvas. It’s impossible to be afraid of a past or existing thing. You can be traumatized by reality. Dislike it. Hate it. But you can’t fear the present. What you’re afraid of are potentials, probablities, likelihoods, even near certainities, but not extant realities. Don’t believe me? Think about a serial killer. Are you afraid of the murders he (I’d say s/he, but let’s be real) has already committed, or the murders he’s likely to commit? What’s he done, or what he could/will do? Even when I was at my friend’s house in Puerto Rico during Hurricane Maria, the wind slamming against the broken garage door, my air mattress lifting off the floor, I wasn’t scared of what was happening, but what might happen at any moment. Fear is always what’s future-facing, even if that future is imminent, even if that future is a repeat of a past horror.

I’m thinking about fear a lot lately because aren’t we all? On my end, I’m in a tenuous position, since I am not exactly unemployed, but I know when my last government check is coming. So I’m scared of not getting another (well-paying job). Despite having travelled extensively on my own, I’m also afraid of going to Japan alone in the fall. I’m worried about war and the climate and my health and honestly this Substack. Will I be able to keep your attention? Will my thoughts be worth your time (and/or money)? Do I have what it takes? Also, will my eggplant die while I’m at my parents’ house in Albany for the next two weeks, and would I have been able to save it if I stayed or is it unavoidable due to the heatwave?

Maybe this is anxiety, but much of my fear feels rooted in sense and educated prognostication. Re: work, I have only received one interview request in eight months of applying for jobs, and that one was probably only because my friend knew a guy at the company. Re: Japan, my Japanese language skills are limited, it’s very expensive, and the walking tour I’m going on really requires me to be in better shape than I currently am or might be capable of due to a persistent case of Achilles tendinitis. Re: war and the climate, just look around. Re: eggplant, well, the leaves are drooping, and all the other plants I’ve tried to care for are dead (save an indoor succulent).

On the other hand, I’m a terrible fortune teller. If I ever throw on a shimmery cloak, hang up a beaded curtain, and come invite you to look into my crystal ball, save your cash because I guarantee you that crystal ball is just a broken snow globe, and even if it wasn’t, even if it was a magic orb that showed glimpses of the future, I promise you my third eye would be as near-sighted as the other two.

What’s interesting is, for me at least, fear is self-centered. When I am afraid for what could happen to others, it transforms into anger. I fantasize about righteous action. About protecting innocent people if and when I have the opportunity. About being good trouble, a nuisance, a girl with a camera phone and an elbow and a big mouth. About going to jail if need be to stop supposed federal employees in masks from disappearing fathers and husbands off the streets.

So I’m transforming fear into action for myself too. I’m continuing to apply for jobs, while also taking classes to bolster my resume and working on other projects/side hustles. Back-ups on back-ups. I’m trying to walk more and stretch more and remember that I survived two years in China, so three weeks in Tokyo and Osaka are nothing. In fact, what a privilege to be able to visit the World’s Fair and go on one of only two UNESCO World Heritage pilgrimages and, heck, yeah, visit Tokyo Disney. Yes, my eggplant may die, but it’s not the only eggplant in the world, and seeing my niece > solving my black thumb any day.

As to war and the climate, well, I can’t do any more than what I’m already doing, what I’ve already done. I worked for EPA for over eight years. I compost and recycle. I use public transportation when I can and try to avoid single-use plastics. I conserve energy. I don’t apply for jobs with defense contractors. I am voting in Virginia’s June primaries. If/when war and/or climate change destroys everything we hold dear, it’s not on me.

I’m throwing paint on the canvas. I’m writing this post. What will you do?